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“I grew up fighting for the right to be a strong independent woman. I fought so hard it hurt. I held onto what I thought was independence for years. Did this mean dating an asshole or two?” By Karen Dominique co-author of “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love”
I dated many assholes. And if you know me at all, you probably tried to stop me. You probably thought I was dumb when I didn’t. And at one point you probably thought there was no hope for me to ever “get it.”
I thought the very same.
At one point, I thought maybe I could find an asshole that would come to accept me – come to see that I wasn’t as bad as they told me I was.
I thought my job was to prove myself to all of these assholes. To show them that I was valuable and lovable once and for all. If they believed it, then maybe I could too!
I attempted to make this happen by changing my hair, my weight, my drinking habits. I went to parties looking for my next favorite asshole.
I found many.
I talked to them, I was let into superficial aspects of their lives but I was ultimately always on the outside looking in… Desperately looking to find myself within each one of these assholes.
I always thought I was an asshole so naturally I was attracted to them. They say you attract people of a similar level as you. I used to attract the trashiness I felt inside. It gave me a rush, I’m not going to lie.
The bigger the asshole, the bigger the challenge, and I’ve always been up for a challenge. Even if the challenge came in the form of a terrible human being who’s favorite pastime was taking up space.
Then I hit this wall. More like mirror. I stopped looking for assholes and finally looked at the asshole in the mirror. She was trying so hard to be something that she just wasn’t.
This whole time she was being the biggest asshole to herself. It brought along a lot of distraction and very small bouts of satisfaction. Kind of like the type that you get when you eat a lot of candy around Halloween and then instantly regret it.
Asshole dating had finally gotten old. The challenge was just not worth the reward. I dated assholes because it was easy to date horrible humans.
It was easy to keep my distance and it was easy to move on to the next. They never cared about anything and neither did I. Until I did.
My favorite saying used to be “I don’t care.” I adopted this philosophy into my psyche so deeply that it got to the point where I forgot to even care about myself, my needs, my wants, my worth. Assholes were cool because they also didn’t care about any of that complicated jazz.
Not everyone gets to asshole-date. I don’t wish it upon anyone. But I do know that these assholes did me the greatest service. They exposed me to a level of dissatisfaction and indifference that I need not ever experience again. They were empty as I was at the time.
The moment I began to care about everything and everyone is the moment I stopped caring about assholes who cared about absolutely nothing. It doesn’t take too much logic to figure that equation out.
I love and feel deeply, of that I am certain. Assholes can continue being shells of themselves and miss out on the profound beauty we are offered in this life if we just let it in, let it flow through us.
I dated assholes because I just did not care. I thought I needed to figure them out and be a hero when in reality I needed to figure myself out and stop finding worthless excuses for wasting valuable time. Assholes are distractions and I prefer to live life in the present.
See ya later, assholes!
Love Deeply and Forever,