“When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It’s like death.”
When leaving a relationship, try to be as clean as possible. For the exception of abuse, leaving that type of scenario is unique in and of itself.
There are many reasons to ultimately part. No one has to be the bad guy.
When my girlfriend decided to divorce her husband, she made it clear, “No need to take sides. This relationship is between us and the end was between us, no one else” Her words resonated, reflecting what a solid person she is. She did not cast blame even though she had her case, she had her reasons, and she kept them between herself and her husband. I gained much respect for her and saw the valuable lesson in the path she chose. I had another friend do just the opposite. “He’s to blame. Never talk to him again. He bullied me; he got physical with me.” That was a lesson for me as well.
I learned relationships are between two people; you don’t need a judge and jury or a cheerleading team to make and hold decisions. She felt strongly that she was the victim and no one should hold court with the villain. I get it. She suffered, and that was scary for her.
Best not to talk trash. The (he did, she did, he said, she said,) is really no one’s business unless you are sitting in front of a counselor, STOP.
If you know it is time to part, to continue your love journey separate from your partner, find a way to exit with kindness. I know that sounds rather ‘Zen,’ especially when there is a serious disappointment. Two humans can change course. According to divorce statistics, half the time, they do just that.
You can plan the perfect wedding and buy the perfect dress. All dandy, but honestly, the focus should be on understanding yourself with respect to relationships. That is a tall order but love; marriage is not easy; the perfect dress part is easy, but staying married, is hard.
How to go about a successful break-up?
Be as honest as possible without aiming blame toward your partner. Remember, you chose them; they came the way they did, and there is no changing that. NO changing them, no way.
How can you present a tidy break-up?
You can say something such as, “I don’t feel good about myself in our relationship” That is putting the fault on yourself. That line works with a boyfriend; if you are married and want a divorce, you have to go deeper; you married them.
Or “I see us going in different directions, and that is ok. I will always love you, but I think it is time to part.”
Perhaps. “I am going to take the job that far away. I love you, but I think it is best I go alone. This is for me. My job is more important than our marriage, and that is not fair.” That may sound selfish, but if your loved one has ties and a job at home, you are considering them.
“It’s not you; it’s me” is overused and tired; the reason is both; it is always both. Own up to your part and be as vulnerable as possible. Sometimes you can love and let go.
I have been on both ends of break-ups/divorce. Where I was awful in the parting, and I have had awful served up. It is always more difficult to process and heal from awful. I share some riveting stories in my book “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love,” Five stars recommended read!
I have learned it is best to part with love with someone you indeed have loved.
My Mantra: “Be loving on the way out.”