“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” Theodore Roosevelt
Choosing the wrong man to date was my thing. Not knowing my pattern and my part kept this type of guy in my life for far too long. Then, after leaving that dude, I would break away just in time to find another.
This type of man was dreamy, charming, intelligent, fun, grandiose, and always felt suitable for me. Being swept away was part of the deal: sweet, romantic, and over the top. I fell into this type of relationship over and over. It took a great deal of time to understand why I would accept this type of guy, which included but was not limited to jealousy, rage, always having to be correct, putting me down in a cruel or subtle way, control, and intentional (again subtle), isolation. Oh, that sounds like abuse at a glance, but it becomes more complicated because, from the inside, it is invisible.
FOUR THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:
1) Empaths will fall prey and try to fix this type of person. We will stay in and try to solve, tolerate, and continue until it brings us down to rubble.
2) The second thing is being familiar with this from an early age. I felt comfortable as it was part of my upbringing; it seemed like normal behavior to me.
3) Also, having narcissistic traits mirrors what I am; oftentimes, one learns narcissistic traits and can mimic those around them to survive. Oh, yes, this can be confusing, becoming what is destroying you.
4) My self-esteem had me in a loop of wrong choices; it was ME, not them! They were bad guys long before I met them. I chose them due to my lack of self-worth, growth, and knowledgeable understanding. I lived it until I learned it.
What I know for sure. In some of the longer-term relationships I have had, by the end of our time together. I became utterly lost; I did not recognize myself, apologized for everything, was meek, and my light was all but gone. I had difficulty leaving this type of man because I feared doing so. I was afraid they would talk me out of leaving, make me once again to blame, and see me as falling short. I learned that it takes a while to exit this complex relationship; I lived it, I know.
If you find yourself in this type of relationship, the first thing to do is recognize it. Then, could you study the traits and understand your role? There is much help for those in abuse, albeit subtle or blatant. Coming out on the other side can seem impossible. Ultimately, it will be empowering, but later. Give yourself grace and self-forgiveness; it is a healing journey.
I wrote about my journey in love and trying to find myself through my relationships with men. “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love” is a witty, truth-telling story of a woman who comes out on the other side!
My Mantra: “This is a snapshot of a profoundly complex journey. Take the chance on yourself to know better and deserve more.”