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“Step with care and great tact, and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.” Dr. Suess

If two are to become one, where does the one that is you go?

Marriage, here I am years later, a different person really, I’m married. I say another person because twenty years ago, I led a different life raising my kids. Now, all grown up. Yes, within that single life, I’ve learned a thing or two.

I have shrunk to fit more than once in my romantic relationships. I mean, it seemed so reasonable to do into their world; after all, what was mine? I was a single mother looking for a romantic relationship that would fulfill my ideals of togetherness, family. I had it wrong, and it took me many years and various partners to realign my thinking.

The problem was I did not know what my world was or who I was beyond a girlfriend or mother.

I was a strong, confident individual when I met my husband. I knew what my world looked like, and I knew where I fit into that world. I was living alone for the first time in my life, going crazy with book edits, riding horses, and exploring a town I had loved for years, Santa Barbara, I have arrived. That is the woman he married.

I think I lost some of my strength. I am not blaming him. It had been my pattern for years. I know I have to fight to get me back in me.

As we came together, we equally took on new roles in life to make our lives come together. I became a short-term rental property manager. He trusted in my position and assisted me in all ways as we pushed forward with a five-star rental.

Merged identity can be common in partnership. We bend and yield to one another to fit our worlds together. Losing the quality time to be the individual that makes one stronger to live a fuller more profound life.

My husband is good at his time finding his zen. He exercises to the point of the adrenaline rush, and suddenly the world calms for him. He does not ask permission. He takes care of the business formula that makes him better.

Does marriage have to mean you need to lose yourself to fit into the role of a wife? I mean, when motherhood hits, there are another set of life skills and roles that can further slip us into who are we now? If you have found yourself lost in the life you have chosen, do not worry. You are still in there.

As Berne Brown says, “we can do hard things.” A balance in life that includes selfish time may not be easy but indeed called for. Take a painting class, dance class, do what you love. Leave your family behind to go to the gym, join a book club. Whatever it is that taps into you that brings you joy, carve out space for that girl.

We can find ourselves exhausted at the end of every day without one drop of energy; who are we kidding? We are spent. Yet if you see something for yourself and make it happen, you will have a renewed sense of self and some of that sexy sparkle you once had. When the sparkle returns, so does your energy, confidence, and your partner may look at you with a renewed yea baby.

Let’s put zombie wife days behind us, as a moment we fell into. I will if you will.

My Mantra: “Every day, we can be grateful for and remember who we are.”