THE BUSINESS OF CHANGING PEOPLE…

“Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It’s not your job to fix him, change him, parent or raise him. You want a partner, not a project.” Julia Roberts

It seemed like such a good idea at the time to try to tweak, change, and alter the guy I was madly in love with. I had been there more than once. The challenge felt like a mystery I could solve until years later; sadly, I became aware I could not. Was it a waste of my time? Yes and no. I romanticize past relationships (rosy retrospection) into finding lessons and being aware of my personal choices. But even with that, it took me years. Might my days, months, years been spent wiser? Probably. Had I only known you cannot change someone…
I hear over and over:

“It’s different now; we have changed, and it will work out this time.” “He would be perfect for me if he could change this one pivotal thing!” “I know she could make me happy if she stopped drinking and yelling at me.” “If he would leave his wife, I know he would marry me.” “If I tell him I will break up with him, he will marry me.” “If he would drink less and go to church, our marriage would be fine.” “If he stopped playing video games and paid attention to me and the kids.” I hope whoever is listening to any of this is telling you to stop!

Ah, the tricky business of wanting to tweak someone to fit your agenda. I have been on both ends of “If only…”

The fact is the state of “if only” will last as long as you let it.

It is truly a matter of what you want in a relationship or what you believe you deserve. You set your own standards based on so much that stems from your inner belief system. If that sounds too woo-woo or deeply Freudian, sorry. I did not write the rules, but I know them.

Quite the job of trying to change someone else.

This is the only chance you have to find the bliss you are trying to pound out of another human. Stop, it won’t work. People can improve, but that is their journey and their decision, not yours. You can lay down threats or breadcrumbs; essentially, it is up to them. The sooner you get this, the more unrestrained you are to love how it is where it is or find something that will suit you better.

Your only job is to find your happiness, your truth, and how you operate and reflect on how you can improve; that is the only place change can happen.

Remember, by unlocking yourself and heading towards what you genuinely want, you will find much emancipation.

My Mantra: “The only person you are in control of and can change is you.”