WHY WE ROMANTICIZE PAST RELATIONSHIP TO BE MORE THAN THEY WERE?

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” Wendy Liebman

Let’s be honest here. Looking back at past relationships can be rose-colored glasses all the way, coined (Rosie Retrospection), especially if you are feeling maudlin, foolishly sentimental. It is easy to present snippets of your past that were blissful. It takes a whole other mindset to understand what drove you apart. It is common to seek comfort in an era that seemed happier—projecting the time and your experience, superimposing a sunny snapshot in a time to make your history more favorable and controlled. Your life feels out of control. You rewind and find a space where you once found joy.

People often romanticize past relationships due to a combination of factors, including the “fading affect bias,” where negative memories fade faster than positive ones, there is a tendency to focus on positive experiences, and the desire for a “fix” from the feel-good chemicals associated with love. What happens over time is that the negative emotions tend to fade more quickly than the positive ones. Hence, the romantic rearview mirror. Then, the downplaying of the negative memories happens within this mindset.

I understand, oh so well, the comfort in nostalgia, especially when I look back or when I feel unfinished business is still there. It is especially challenging for me to write an entire book about my exes or rather the relationship I had with them and place myself back where I once was, egad. It was uncomfortable but worth it, as the book has helped many understand they are not alone in these love/dating scenarios.

Unresolved issues or a messy, painful breakup can lead to a continued rethinking of the past and intensely wanting to explore the “what ifs or if only.” Bargaining in an attempt to help alleviate your current loneliness or desire to get the whole thing right. Either way, focusing on your ex may not help you find what you need.

In an attempt to rekindle a past love, the most egregious injustice is when one forgoes opportunities in front of them with misguided infatuation about a second or third chance with someone who will never materialize into the fantasy you have created. The reasons you once broke up are still there, just buried under temporary foolish fluff.

Okay, you may see a pattern here that has been painfully ineffective. Suppose you are ready to go about things differently. It must begin with being honest with yourself and taking a hard look at your history; culpability will allow you to mature, which naturally draws you further away from your past and helps you attract healthier love. The answer may not be in love itself but in you. What you have chosen is a cycle that keeps on looping. If you are okay with the ride, stay in the loop.
The course can be changed if you dig deep, take ownership, and drop the rose-colored glasses.

Like Dorthy, who took two hours and a great adventure to realize that her fate lay within herself and her ruby slippers, you are navigating your own journey, no one is to blame; no one is to take credit.