MY YEAR OF GRIEF: WHAT THAT LOOKED LIKE FOR ME…

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Mark Twain

Without apologies or proper notice, tears appear, like a guest who has not been invited to the party. I always make room for my feelings, which is key for me. They say loss comes in 3’s; last year, it did just that…

I was brought down by loss, and it proved too much for me. I seriously dove into grief like it was my new profession. I was going to pass that class or die trying, pardon the pun. I bought books on grief, I had a weekly life coach, I journaled, gardened, walked in silence, walked with friends, shopped with friends, cried on the phone with a friend who also cried, lunched with friends, stayed in bed, shopped, had pajama days, one after the next, and prayed. Some would say I was a hot mess, others would say I was going through grief.

No matter what I was doing, I would peel open myself into each phase, welcoming them as they showed up, maybe not welcoming but recognizing them. Here you are, anger. Justifiable anger would flow through me like a fire hose burning rage. I know that you are a part of my process, and I sure as hell am mad. I have every reason to be mad! Wanna see my list!!!!?

Oh, bargaining, that’s just what you look like today; I’m okay with that, even though with you, I would prefer to bargain my way around the whole deal, (a moment of questioning)…Can I bargain out of this ordeal? No, I cannot, the days continue. All of the steps in the grief process are real; they are a disorderly bunch, arriving at random times in random order. Different for all of those who experience the genuine process of loss.
I had known loss in my life, but never as what was held to be true last year. Last year I lost my dad, whom I was close to my whole life. He never failed with his wit and ability to connect with me, fully embracing me. My precious mom passed four months after my dad died of what I imagine was from utter heartache. The third loss I will keep. That loss is mine alone and is not to be judged or examined by anyone but me and my life coach.

During this sad loss year, some days were more debilitating than others. I had difficulty functioning in my job, a job I love. I had trouble functioning through what would be a day, having no appetite for food, and feeling indescribably helpless. I did not glide through the process with expert attention and grace; I fell, I stumbled, and I hit the ground, circling the proverbial drain. I was a wreck at times, only to wake up and have the morning show up; I was in the next day, whether I liked it or not. Trying to avoid the turbulence that took me over, yet it nearly drowned me. I needed to fight to find my way through what, at times, felt impossible, because at times it was indeed impossible.

My husband remained steadfast, like an anchor; I could drift off and then return to what was consistent and solid. He was steady.

Have you ever come through something you did not think you would make it through?

I get it. It is a club we will all join at some point in life, if indeed we have known great, big, beautiful love. I have known and do know great big beautiful love. Memories will not fade, but the gift of life continues.

My Mantra: “Time does not heal wounds, it’s what you do with your time.”