ARE YOU DONE DATING MEAN GUYS WITH DAMNING WORDS?

“I’ve been heartbroken. I’ve broken hearts. That’s part of life, and it’s part of figuring out who you are so you can find the right partner” Heidi Klum ( Quot from A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love”

The feeling bubbles up in me years later, unwelcome. I don’t want to respond in fear of being judged, criticized, or silenced. There it is showing up, I know the anxious feeling all too well. I become still absorbing the awful coming at me.

Long ago: From him, a negative insult to keep me down in the place he thinks I belong. A clever slight for my ears only, to set me in the designated proverbial corner. I tolerated the bad words guy for far too long.

I have to work on expressing myself in a free and honest way. It does not come naturally. I think I may have become a writer to allow my feelings out without  subjugation. Words that landed on pages were safe. Words outside of that were not always. I spent many tearful nights feeling bad about myself realizing I was compromising who I was as a human.

Compromising is never good. One cannot strive, create, succeed in such damning abuse. I was kept down, curled up, and shut up. Gross, awful, I learned to find my voice outside of the words I wrote. I learned to stand up and keep my shoulders back. I no longer would be with a man that could bite me with words like an angry dog, causing me to wither into an infinitesimal less-than.

My words slowly became powerful. I liked the empowered me, she had potential, confidence, a stance. I found a stance. It was not easy because I had rooted fear and that those shame feelings of abuse would show up, years after he was long gone. That part is ongoing rather tricky. However, it is recognizable, I see it now, I know what those feelings are. I now know self-grace, I know self-care, I understand self-respect. I rather like strong me, she has direction, she gives a hand up to others, she can coach with a confident voice. She can trust love with a very kind man.

I still let words land on pages. That is who I am helping others through words. I can remain calm and stand up for myself, like a kind tiger. No one messes with a tiger; a tiger allows respect to follow her. She’s earned it she’s a tiger.

If you are in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself check-in and find out why? Is the compromise worth it for you or is the price of self-higher? If you are ready to step away and find your voice, do it one foot in front of the next. Find help if you need to, a professional consoler, a friend.

For me it took a while to heal, then to understand why I allowed myself to continue with the brutal hold he had on me. I had the ability to leave years before and chose not to. Understanding why I did not leave sooner took healing and self-forgiveness.

I never dated mean-mouthed-men again. My heart was only drawn to kind men, my eyes were attracted to sweet guys. It took a while but it happened.

You can read about my journey searching for love and inevitably finding myself “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love”