I WANT A MAN… BUT I’M A MESS

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

Angelina Jolie

The classic falling apart and looking for the perfect guy that has enough circus training that can in fact catch me. This is no way can or will ever work. This man would indeed be a temporary fix, indeed, the best choice for me? No. I have been down this road with a classic rebound man. Lovely as it was I was a basket case. The first order of business is get my feet underneath me and find peace within my journey, and my choices. Fully accepting myself and being present is a start to becoming a partner. A whole; rather than a hot mess; hot is good, mess is bad.

I moved to a town for a job it looks like I will not get. My roommate is allergic to the way I smell. I injured my heels with gnarly blisters and they became infected. I am missing a man I should have never fallen in love with. I crashed my car into a poll in a parking lot. I am spending money that I do not have. I am in a state of cluster confusion, a hot mess.

Taking time off from dating and men seems to be in order for me. Knowing this, all I see are couples! Or the dreaded good-looking, appropriately aged man, with a gold ring on his left hand, no. Hell no. Look the other way, not only myself, but him as well. I feel as if some married dudes constantly “window shop” with their not so subtle glances. I wonder, is my dress see through? Oh dear.

What does taking time off from dating look like for me? Well I am going to focus on myself, and what makes me shine and happy. Yoga helps to get me centered and balanced. Walking in my new town of Santa Barbara will be healing for me. Trying to adjust to a new location. I have not moved in thirty years. I need to be kind to myself, and all the mishaps that may occur, and have during this adjustment period. I cannot possibly date until I become more balanced and whole in the journey in reinventing myself. Or perhaps, not reinventing myself. But in fact finding my more genuine self.

I want “Mr. Right”, right now, but I wouldn’t know what my “Miss Right” even looks like. This is my time for soul searching, time for healing. This is not time for stressing over the interim of not having a man in my life. Paint, yoga, write; focus on me, that doesn’t sound so bad at all? I am blessed to have friends both men and women I can hang with. Life is good even through a dry summer or a series of trials.

My Mantra: “I love and accept myself in a time of healing and being single”