CHEATING HUSBAND/NAIVE WIFE/MESSED UP MISTRESS

“A mistress is chasing moments. A wife needs to know her ground. A husband is taking advantage.” Katie L Lindley

Recently, a friend of mine had become aware that her husband had been cheating. Not once, but throughout their marriage.

I wrote this blog from the unmarried Mistress’s perspective. Knowing that moments of being the “other woman” can be both excellent and confusing. I have stood in the shoes of a wife being cheated on. I have also been the mistress of a married man, and I suppose I understand both sides of this sad equation. I have never cheated on a husband, not to justify, just to clarify.

Miss M:

She drones on about how her boyfriend is going to leave his wife. I sit in silence, wondering if she believes her drivel. They have been a thing behind closed doors for two years.

I consider whether she likes her setup just as it was. He comes in for a couple of hours, they eat, share wine, have sex, and then he leaves. No dirty clothes to launder, no man to pick up after, no drama with his children, no drama with life’s details such as bills. Maybe she’s figured out a system that works for her?

Then again, she says they are going to go away on a trip to Paris. That had been rumored for quite some time. If she sat in the reality of her choices, I think I would feel more comfortable, but she’s my friend, so I hear her out.

I had to consider why her setup made me feel awkward. Was it because I am a wife? Or that I was cheated on by a different husband? Didn’t I at one point carry the scarlet letter of shame of an affair I once had? All plausible.

Last weekend, I saw her boyfriend out with his wife; they seemed chummy. Sharing a bottle of red wine, comfortably companionable. My husband and I stopped by their table to chat for a moment. Is the wife really the last to know? I needed to stay out of what they all have going on—none of my beeswax.

Miss M sits alone on all holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. She seems to love him and readily accepts his unhappy marriage as an excuse.

My voice softened as I said to Miss M, “Do you really think he is going to leave his wife?” I spoke from my center.

She waited a moment to allow my sincerity to sink in. “I did in the beginning; it seemed to be heading that way. They would fight a great deal. He’d tell me everything.” She became more real in her confession. “But now they are in counseling, and they are going to Italy for two weeks with their kids. Oh, and she has taken up Pilates!” she bellows, as if the wife is at fault here. I waited for the Pilates comment to settle down. I asked, “Well, what does your gut tell you?”

“It was great fun when we started seeing each other, forbidden, naughty. He was so sweet to me. But I am growing tired of being a side-dish. I am sure I will break up with him. He will hurt, but has the comfort of his wife, I suppose,” sounding bitter.
I knew her confused love for him was real, but staying in this compromise was harming her self-dignity.

Miss M. has put herself in a mess, and I knew it would not end tomorrow. I also knew she would find her way out. She chose an affair. She decided to carry on with a married man. When she can reconcile with her choices, she can be free. We all make dumb choices sometimes. No one is exempt. When we wake up, we change.

I understand all too well the humanity of an affair. No judgment, no shame. Read about my love journey. “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love”.