IN A THROWAWAY SOCIETY, DO WE THROW AWAY OUR PARTNERS?

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.” William Lyon Phelps

Love, ah love. I always found it relatively easy to find and fall in love. However, I found it much more challenging to go the distance. I had to understand the why of this love thing, and I am getting closer to figuring it out.

Some say I have done the research, the boots on the ground, because I have written about my love journey. The good, the bad, the strange, and some clearly questionable choices. That was my process, not always a straight path, but boy, did I learn a thing or two.

When one falls in love, 18 to 24 months of the love bubble exists. That is the hormonal phase of dopamine, and it feels great. During this phase, life is pink and delicious. All in head over heels. Yes, love, the best foot is forward, blinders on, and everything that love can represent may show up.

The aforementioned blinders slip away after time has ticked by and said love bubble is over. This is when you can see each other more clearly and really know what you are in for. This is when you may want to bolt. You have been here before and are wondering if you want to suffer the disappointment of your future with your partner. You query, is this one right for you? Questioning your relationship because it no longer serves you up those lovely hormones. How can that be? It almost feels like a love betrayal, but it is not.

Out of nowhere. “He is short-fused, yells at the dumbest things,” “She is annoying and entitled,” “He is such a jerk,” “I hate the way she drives,” “He is driving me crazy,” “She won’t communicate, I have no idea what she’s thinking” “He puts his friends over me.” “She used to respect me; now it feels like she is always looking down on me.” The list goes on, and they vary for each situation. It is a loss of feeling. This can turn into throw-out time, or worse, build a case and keep the list for a future departure; after all, you have built a case.

It is a natural thing that occurs, seeing your partner for who they are. You can’t fight it, nor can you win. If you are obsessed with the “in-love portion,” you may have a new love that will again last 18 months: a new set of pink blinders.

I found breaking up a painful process; alas, it was time to have something more substantial.

This is an opportunity to love. Accept your loved one’s soft spots, weak spots that are not so attractive. This a time that you can give grace to them. Moreover, it is time to give grace to yourself. The things that you need to work on are the things that have broken before and are still askew. The things you don’t want to see in yourself are most likely mirrored in your partner’s eyes. That is painful and cringy. You must lean into and accept yourself—the ultimate vulnerability. Standing in front of the mirror, the reflection of your weakness can be loved, can be healed, can
However, if you are in a relationship slowly chipping away at yourself, your dreams, and your voice, you must be accurate about what this partnership is doing to you.

Try not to take years, like Johnny Depp, or as I did, I share in my book “A Man for Every Purpose, My Naked Journey Searching for Love.” It is not easy to pull out of the highs and lows; this type of situation can be, at the very least, confusing. At the most heart-wrenching but ultimately lesson learning.

My Mantra: “To throw away or to not; now you know the facts, the rest is up to you.”