“A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.” Helen Rowland
Are you looking for Prince Charming? You may want to look closer.
I have done my share of dating and then some. The toxic bachelor has slipped into my naïve love bubble more than once. The hopeless romantic in me tried to turn these types of guys into “the marrying kind,” alas that was folly and a heart-wrenching waste of time.
I could not understand why I was attracting this type of man and why I wanted to change them?
That was the right question and the one that led me to find out what I was doing wrong.
First, let’s describe the toxic bachelor. Most likely, this man has never been married. He is a great date, a wonderful boyfriend. He can fill you with promises that you believe in, keeping you in an endless dating situation. The chances of moving in together and setting up a domestic partnership with this guy are slim. He is handsome and knows his way around women. You would think this type of man should come with a warning label, but no, it is up to you to discern. They tend to date younger women but are capable of dating all sorts of women. If he is unmarried and over forty-five statistically, he will remain unmarried.
How does any of that information solve the toxic bachelor conundrum?
After dating for decades, what I wanted was a marriage partnership. I thought for years that getting married would solve many of my problems. That was precisely why I chose the unobtainable bachelor’s because I wasn’t ready for marriage. Marriage is not a solution to any problem.
I had to learn a thing or two. Toxic bachelors will always be roaming free and ready to pounce; it was not them. It was me; I chose them. These guys can be a blast for a short-term fling if you don’t try to change them.
The problem was me; I wanted to alter the man that could not be altered.
The more profound question is, why?
Unconscious Repetition: my subconscious, an unspoken agreement was, if I could change them, then I was worthy of love, bingo!
No more, I had to forgive myself and come to understand my worth. I had to break away from the toxic bachelor. I had to fall in love with myself and go after what mattered to me. Interestingly enough, that had nothing to do with a man!
What! I was wrong the whole time. The answer was not in men but in me.
After being done with the ultimate rejection handed out by these scaredy-cat men. I knew what I wanted yet was perfectly happy with being alone. I was falling further in love with myself and understood I was enough; I was complete, damn happy, and nothing was missing.
Being married doesn’t complete anything. It brings more complications to the table, more compromises, more patience, and for sure, a deeper understanding of yourself as marriage acts as a mirror into our deepest roots.
For me, marriage became just right when I realigned myself, knowing I was great, fantastic, even on my own.
After that change in mindset, I met a partner that could match my willingness to grow and work through things together. That eligible bachelor is good with healing, diving deeper into his stuff, and doing better at relationships. Boxes checked.
What does the eligible bachelor look like? He is a man that wants to be a married person but is discerning in his search for the right partner. He may be divorced, depending on his age. He is the real deal. He wants someone by his side, but he is waiting for the one that fits.
I am without a doubt that many women thought my husband fell into the ‘toxic bachelor’ category. For those gals, he was just that; with him, a shift needed to take place, like me. He was happy and good on his own but ultimately wanted more.
Do you want to avoid the toxic bachelor and find the right one? Look inside what needs to shift, seeing yourself as a powerful partner and a happy single.
If indeed that is your goal. A great deal of respect and grace must accompany marriage. It is not all romance, sex, and stars, nor should it. To grow into lasting love has true grit, conflict resolution, and substance. With that, the sparkle can show up.
My Mantra: “If love is a puzzle, you have to have all your own pieces.”