Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” Lucille Ball

As you wheel through another relationship with a scorecard and a solid list of complaints, you offer the same break-up line as you did to the last guy: “You have been great, really. I need to have some time alone. It’s not you; it’s me.”

This line has been used for decades. It works, but it really doesn’t. It may get you out of dating that guy, but wait—there is more.

It really is you, what!? Yes, in fact, it is.

You attracted him; you put up with the same nonsense as the last guy. Do you see a pattern? Because you are the common thread.

If you want a different type of guy, it is important that you serve up that break-up line in the mirror to yourself. It was not him; it was me. Oh crap, now what.

Perhaps denial: I can hear your argument, “Nope, he was a jerk, never really treated me right.” I would ask, “Why would you put up with that? It should never happen twice.” That lands you right back on your responsibility in your choices. If you want to stay in this pattern, stop reading; if you want something better, it is possible.

You are not alone. It is easier to identify issues in your partner as it is more difficult to pinpoint problems in oneself. If you are trying to fix the other person, you are missing the mark entirely. This begs the question, do you want to repair the relationship, or do you want to look deeper into your culpability?

If we are in control of our own destiny and who we are with, maybe we need to take a closer look at ourselves.

We attract what we think we deserve. How does one build one’s self-esteem to embrace a healthier relationship?
The only way to change a relationship is by changing yourself with your own personal development and taking action to change your part in the relationship dynamic you do not like. This shift in self may be enough to naturally break up the two of you, or it may be a stepping stone to what you deeply want in love. Adding value to yourself you can never go wrong. The work may be uncomfortable. I mean, it is way easier to blame them than move on. But you have a pattern, and that pattern is growing old; it is wearing on you and does not look good.
My girlfriend told me one time, “If all the wrong guys you dated age you and take a small piece of you with them, you would stop. Stop dating and loving the wrong men; it’s wearing on you, and it shows. Stop!”

Know what you want in a relationship. Write it down. Let it be your vision board. Understand what you can bring to the table, and don’t hold back—bring it. Do the inside work and break the wrong guy again pattern. I did, and it took work. It took writing a book and understanding why I chose it that way. I now know better, and I now do better. YOU CAN TOO!

My Mantra: “Breaking up is easy to do; breaking patterns will get you further”

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Katie L Lindley

Although I would like to say I am organized, focused and cookie-cutter, that simply would not be me. I am no different than any other woman in the world. I love to love, love hard, and, in the end, have learned to love myself above all else. So here I am, writing about the many men and the multiple purposes they have served in my life. Realizing that not one man on my roster had fulfilled every single one of my needs. Perhaps one man is not supposed to? I have compiled snippets of the men that have entered my world. In the end, they have shoved me towards my bathroom mirror, forcing me to take a better look at myself. Reflection is brilliant and the strongest guidepost into ourselves.

Working on the next book in the series “A House for Every Purpose, My Journey From Pillow to Pillow” revels a woman abandoning her home in search or her identity beyond men, motherhood, author.

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